Read: This entire article should be read in a sarcastic tone of voice.
This is all a joke.
The obituary for Search E. Optimization. Stricken down in his prime!
SEO is dead, and Penguin 2.0 killed it!
You’ve probably heard the news. Everyone in the marketing world is screaming, “SEO is dead! It’s impossible to rank for things anymore!” and you know what?
IT’S ALL TRUE.
We at TOFU Marketing see through the mist and lies of the corporate run media. We can’t sit back idle and not expose the truth:
On May 22nd, The corporate giant known as “Google” was hit by a vicious hack/virus.. Groups known as “Black Hat” and “Link Well” have claimed responsibility for this attack on Googles algorithm.
But Google is not commenting who is responsible for this attack at this time.
Instead they are calling it an “update”, maliciously named Penguin 2.0!
Like this Penguin, but scarier and with worse teeth.
Google’s “Update” vs “Conspiracy”
Why would Google claim this attack as an update and not as the virus is still left to be determined, but we smell conspiracy.
We tried to contact Pay P. Clicky (PPC), they refused to give into what was trending and forced us to do more research into what was really going on. An anonymous source has confirmed that PPC was not effected by this virus, but may yield some higher results. This is yet to be determined as further investigation is needed.
Fortunately for us (and now you) Content S. Marketingey (CSM) was willing to share with us a few details on the matter.
“Did you notice that your keyword rankings all changed at roughly the same time as the announced ‘update’? . . . He is dead. . . SEO is dead and there is nothing I can do about it.”
CSM also commented on the fact there are still other things we can do now that SEO is dead, but would not go into detailed unless we “liked” him.
It is still unclear as to what this message means, but if you are out there and looking for more information on this cover-up undercover CIA Agent and founder of the Inter-Web Task Force team Matt Cutts recently remarked about this virus that you can read about here: http://www.mattcutts.com/blog/penguin-2-0-rolled-out-today/
We have yet to contact Mr. Cutts, but we hope he may be interested in doing an interview with us to explore this “update.” We hope to ask him how he plans to move forward now that SEO is dead.
TOFU marketing is taking a huge risk in breaking the news of this cover-up. We know that at any moment we may be de-indexed. Please stay tuned as we will have future updates about this “update” know only as penguin 2.0 and will provide any help to anyone who has been affected by this virus.
How to tell if you been affected by Penguin 2.0?
- Have you noticed a decrease in the quality of your search results?
- Are you ranking lower for your primary and secondary keywords?
- Have you noticed a drop in organic traffic to your site?
- Have you developed a small beak and begun keeping pebbles in your pocket for your significant other?
If you answered yes to any or all of these questions you may be affected by Penguin 2.0. SEO may be dead but there still is hope. There are still things you can do!
What to do if I think I have been affected/infected?
- Seek out a search engine witch doctor as soon as possible.
- Be intentional with your audience. It has been shown that Penguins like to follow spammers so, Stop the SPAMMING!
- Look for opportunities to be creative
- Share stuff worth sharing.
If you need help doing any of the above call our Hotline at (801) 867 – 9021. We have operators standing by to assist you in thwarting this Penguin 2.0 virus. We also suggest that you contact us to let us know how this virus has affected you so that we can inform others.
[rb_highlight style="lite2"]This just in: Pictures of Taylor Lautner seem to have remained largely unaffected by Penguin 2.0. We recommend at least one picture of him per post to keep your rankings high and a video of cats![/rb_highlight]
This has been a public service announcement from TOFU Marketing. We hope you heed our warnings, and godspeed to all of you.